Eve

After hours of laundry and having every piece of clothing I own strewn across my living room floor, then folded and refolded, I am finally packed. Weeks of shopping and various drafts of chaotic lists have led to one slightly bulging suitcase and a backpack. As a chronic over-packer, one who generally brings enough clothing and toiletries to supply the entire population of the University, a single suitcase that holds everything I can imagine needing and wanting in Havana is truly a feat.

Surprisingly I am not consumed with panic that I have forgotten something, essential or otherwise, and there is (relative) calm tonight despite tomorrow being such a big day. Perhaps this luggage epiphany helps to explain my mind sight and feelings leading up to the trip. Simply put, I feel ready. Nervous and anxious, of course, but also unexpectedly prepared. In the past, trips like these, where I've spent months planning and anticipating, have always carried so much pressure and expectancy. Whether consciously or not, I envision those fleeting days or weeks as possessing some grand change that will completely reshape me as a person. That pressure inhibits me from fully being present in these settings and is ultimately disappointing.

But not tonight. Tonight, I am seeing tomorrow not as something I've been waiting for to mark the beginning of my life but simply as a continuation of my life, of who I am. Tonight, I have one suitcase and one goal. Tonight, I envision deeply accented and intimidating spanish, awkward salsa dancing, a wonderfully crowded apartment, constant questioning, lots of reading that I will ultimately be thankful for, wonderful food that comes in boxes, my hair smelling like saltwater for days. Tonight, my goal is to focus on being present while I am in Havana. My goal is to say 'yes', to experience as much as I am able despite discomfort or uncertainty or fear.

Tonight, I have one suitcase and one goal but they carry everything.